“Though we are different yet we are the same” ~ Sallie Stewart

Sallie and Esco,  © 2011 by Gretchen Schroeder

We as people, have all faced adversity at sometime along our path in life.And, adversity, does change us.  There are some things in which one never gets over, it merely becomes apart of us, and we learn to carry on.  Really, what all look for is freedom. Freedom to dance on the stage of life as who we are. To be accepted, to be loved unconditionally, for who we are. We all want freedom, to be ourselves.  I can not think of one person who wants to be shoved in a box and told who they are. Nope, we as people desire freedom to be who we are in our heart of hearts.

Escogido XXV showed me this. He showed me how to be free. He loved me unconditionally. He loved me through gut wrenching fear. He loved me through memory loss. He loved me through , “ Who am I?”. He loved me through tremendous self doubt and self worth.  And it was because of my love for him, that I sought answers, sought help, sought education and sought new tools. And in the end, I learned self acceptance. I learned, it was ok to love myself, even with my new short comings.  We as people in general are quite similar.  Though we are different yet we are the same.

Sallie Stewart

“Grab that determination in the pit of your gut, and ride, with that determination!” ~ Mike Osinski

Recovery from this brain injury, has been up, down and all around. It really has been two steps forward 3 steps back. And where it really showed, was in my riding. Though I took lessons weekly, my riding was inconsistent. Not because I did not take my lessons seriously, I took them very serious. But, because my brain was still rewiring and reconnecting. My horse Escogido, he fell on me in the walk. Why was I so afraid of the canter? For the same reason I was afraid to drive in traffic. My ability to process information was very slow. Cars driving at me in their own lane, was overwhelming. Driving over 40 miles an hour was scary. It was hard for my brain to take in all the information. Things that a “normal person” would never even think about as being information. Much of what our brain actually does, we take for granted.

The same goes for riding. The faster gates were hard for quite some time. There was so much information my brain had to process...other horses to avoid, staying in a straight line or on a circle with activity taking place around me. It was difficult to take in. But this did get better, it just took time.

When I was able to process information faster, then I had no confidence in myself. I would think, “ But can I steer him in the canter?” or “ But what if I accidentally run into another horse.” I had a lot of self doubt. Not so much fear, but more of , “ Can I do this? Am I good enough to canter this horse?”

It was very frustrating for me. What had once been a source of freedom to my very soul, I now questioned if I was competent enough to do so. The canter is by far the most freeing gate while riding.

Cantering a horse opens your soul , you feel light and free. It is a tremendous feeling of joy, relaxation, and fun. Cantering on a horse does much for the body, mind and soul.

In a lesson with Osinski, he came on the head set, and said, “ Nice in the trot, and , now canter………and Sallie, canter. Aaaand Caaaanter! Ok, Sallie, you have gone 6 circles around me in the trot now Canter.”

As, I quickly reached to wipe a tear off my cheek, so Mike would not see it. He came on the head set and said in a coaching voice, “ I know.... I know, you are afraid Sallie, but you have determination, I have seen it. Now, grab that determination in the pit of your gut, and ride with that determination!”

BAM, we were in the CAAANNTER! I had to be reminded, I did have drive, I was determined to get better. Those words, they worked. They worked in riding, they worked in my life.

As of today 11/16/2011, I love the canter, and I love to work in the canter. I nearly lost this. I nearly allowed lack of self confidence, self esteem and fear, rob me of one of my most favorite things to do on the back of a horse! “ Grab that determination in the pit of your gut”………..million dollar words.

Sallie Stewart

You've Come A Long Way Baby!

Art work from Gee Marie

This is a comment from Litonya(from the November 9th post, "Their Journey"), a close relative of Sallie's. It gives us a different point of view from someone who saw Sallie in the beginning, saw her struggle towards recovery.

"You've come a long way, Baby! Sallie, when I got the call from Mike that you had been in an accident, had been hospitalized and were going home to finish recovering, I decided it was time to make the long drive for a visit and show you my support. We live so far from each other but I wanted to make sure you were ok and that you knew how much I love you. Mike sounded nervous on the phone. I balled him out for not calling sooner... So Aunt Lynne (my mom) and I made the trip. I was shocked. You could not find the words to express things you knew you wanted to do. You recognized me but couldn't say my name. You couldn't remember what "that thing that mixes up the clothes" was(while gesturing the action of the washing machine's agitator). On the other hand, you could cuss like a sailor and you looked ok. But I knew there was something seriously wrong. The look of shock still lingered on Mike's face. I felt bad that I had to leave. I wanted to do something but didn't know what I could possibly do. When we left, I looked at my mom and said, "She's like a 5 year old! This is awful. Poor Mike. She has no idea what is going on and he just looks lost. I hope to God she will improve with time." Mom was equally concerned. I talked to you on the phone about a week later and you had made a huge improvement! You knew who I was, kind of. Not yourself but better. The following week, better! The next visit to your house, you repeated things a lot but you knew my name. You were obsessed with getting a job. I kept saying, "Hon, you gotta give yourself more time. You are not ready to go back to work." You: "No! I HAVE to get a job!" Me: "It's ok. You will get there. But you have to stop stressing out!" I remember one conversation you were asking me if I thought you would ever be like you were before the accident. I told you that you needed to get lots of sleep so your brain could heal and re-create the neuropathways that had been damaged. I didn't know if that was true but was drawing on what I had learned in college about the brain. But it seemed to give you hope and some comfort. I think it allowed you to relax a little. You were so stressed out! Nearly panicked. And I would say, "You are ok. You are getting better and better every day." And here you are! I'm so proud of you for not giving up and really going after more and better. You sought out help. You tried to gain understanding by doing research (once you figured out how to use the computer again). You pursued healing. You may not be totally the same but who is? You ARE the Sallie I grew up with. You are the same person that married Mike. You have some challenges you didn't have before but you've never allowed something like a mountain to get in your way! I love you much, Sis."

...and he said, "Be the leader this horse needs and deserves you to be!"~ Mike Osinski‏

…and he said, “Be the leader this horse needs and deserves you to be!"~Mike Osinski
These are the words I heard this summer, while frail, timid me was in a lesson on a horse, that I truly was unsure of to ride. I loved him, but had given up on him, as well as myself. Osinski, from the second I mounted the horse, started in with instruction. " Shorten the reins, take a hold of him. You hold his mouth Sallie. Just like you held your sons hands when they were little. You will feel him try to squirm out of your hands. You say NO, you hold your momma's hand." As Esco squirmed and pulled the reins Mike would say, " NO, you do not let him break the contact with your hand, you tell him by using your hands, No, you hang on to my hand and let me guide you." Then Mike went into ," Good he is on the bit and connected, now rising trot. And Sallie YOU keep the connection, you do NOT let him give up the contact. After that was successful. Mike then instructed us to canter. While cantering I of course lost connection, horse looked terrible, I looked out of sorts. Mike came on to say, " Bring him back down to trot, get organized again, and canter again." We were now cantering. Mike came on the head set loud and clear with, " Don't you quit!, Don't you dare quit riding!!! You keep him connected on the bit, do not let that little boy let go of your hand. You move those legs of yours and keep him moving in the Canter. I did not see your legs move. If you do not move those legs, there is no need for me to even waste my breathe. You move those legs in the Canter, or I am going to leave the arena " I will tell you, my legs did move. Riding a horse I had lost confidence on, and ...and knowing all I had to do to keep the trainer there was move my legs, you bet my legs moved. A tiny bit, and it took effort, to move them. It also, took me having some faith in me. I trust my trainer, and when he does ask, I do try . Mike was pleased. Then he came on the head set as the horse was begining to slow down, " Sallie...You do not quit riding. BE the LEADER, this horse NEEDS and Deserves you to be!" Those words, are million dollar words. It changed my riding that very day. It also, began to change my life. My life needed a leader. And that leader had to be me. It is us as human beings, who lead our lives by choices we make. Good and bad. At the end of the day, we lead our lives. Mike Osinski reminded me of this, all on the back of a horse.

Sallie Stewart

...and he said, " As much as they say you have lost, I am going to prove to you that YOU are smarter than this HORSE."

Last year in 2010 I received something called a "neuropsychology test" It was very frustrating for me. It is a test which would take a non head injured person approx 1.5 hrs to complete. For me, it took three weeks. The results for me were devastating. I went from a 3 digit IQ to an "impaired" double digit IQ.  I also had deficits in focus and immediate memory recall. I asked the doctor. to tell me what I needed to work on and I would do it. He explained to me, what had not come back in the first 16-18 mos after that injury was not going to come back. I sought a second opinion. Basically what was explained to me, if I had it mastered before, I still know it, ie. Real Estate Market. But when it comes to learning something new, it takes me 3 times as long to learn as a "normal" person. I was really devastated.

The second doctor had exactly the same opinion. Learning before that injury was a very big part of my life. I loved it and I learned with ease, was very disciplined and could push myself hard. I could master things with ease. Now, when learning something "new" I get frustrated quite easily. For example, before the accident, if you rattled off your phone number, I could immediately dial the number. This is not the case anymore. I also had a partial photographic memory before the accident........not the case anymore. 

This has been a real struggle for me. I am quite aggressive about it actually. If I am questioned as to if I am sure......I will blast someone. I am very clear and very honest. If I say I know it, it is because I do. If I say I do not know it, it is because I do not, and it would take me a VERY long time to learn the information. This is an issue for me, especially when I get those who want to "test" me, or "play the how broke are you game." It does not end well I can raise my hand and admit, I have absolutely no patience for those who are out to play games, and sadly because I look totally normal, some want to play these games.( Neither of the Mikes do this, nor would they think of doing it, they are kind. And they also treat me like a human being.)

I had shared the results of this test with my instructor, little bits of it over time. It was quite devastating to me. Hard to talk about. Humbling. Made me feel less than. I felt like less than a human being. So it took time to share this with Mike, as I was so embarrassed and ashamed. And, I was afraid in away that he would perhaps drop me as a student.

Esco, is extremely smart. I have always said that. Before Mike took him on " Full Time",  Esco was the horse that if you were "on it", he would still try to challenge you and outsmart you. Esco and Mike had some conversations. It was as if Esco would say, " No, I am the big boy, here take this." Mike would then correct him. Esco was a handful. The smart ones are. Getting the news I had received about my IQ after several month, I no longer felt smarter than the horse.

To top it off I had just gone through a jaw issue, where I could not eat solid foods for 67 days. And, when I finally could chew solid foods again.......OMG, I had forgotten how to swallow solid foods. I only wish I was kidding, but quite frankly you can not make this stuff up. It was explained to me that swallowing was cognitive, so off to a speech pathologist to re-learn how to swallow .......yet again. ( I had issues with this right after the accident, though I barely remember it.) So, in my head. I was now stupid, the sole reason we had to file bankruptcy....accidents are expensive FYI., a total and complete failure, and now I could not ride the horse, who had done so much to rehab me, as I just knew he was smarter than me.

In a lesson, as I had JUST mounted Esco, Mike came on the headset and said, "as much as they say you have lost, I am going to prove to you that you are smarter than this horse Sallie. He is just a horse. A smart one, but he is just a horse." The lesson went well. Walk, trot, canter and leg yields. And you know what? The confidence, to swallow? I regained the confidence to swallow my food, as it was proven to me, I was in fact smarter than that horse. I regained self worth as a human being. The heart of what was conquered on the back of that horse, in that arena, with that coach. This is how a life was saved.

Sallie Stewart

And he said, "Ride THIS Stride"

In early 2009, things that I already struggled with became nearly impossible. I live next to a military base. And for lord only knows what reason, I started having an overwhelming fear of being shot in the head. The fear and scenes became so horrific it drove me to a PhD. One that specialized in head trauma. I began doing things such as sleeping on the floor in case a bullet came flying into the house. This was not a reasonable fear. I began not wanting to drive anywhere as I was surrounded by Ft Lewis. It was explained to me what I was experiencing was something called PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder). I learned some skills and driving got better, for a brief time.Then it would all come back again. More intense. 

In 2010, these flashes of being shot in the head, transferred to riding. I would get on Esco and see horrific scenes. They at first where short and then grew to long horrifying scenes. By 2011, it was nearly paralyzing. These scenes would flash, I could not control them. At times, I was not sure if I was not going to die right then and there from a heart attack. When Mike Osinski took us on full time this year, I believe he probably had an idea this was happening. Though I had never told anyone other than a shrink. One particular lesson after I had mentioned that Esco was so hard to me for ride, I mean this is the horse that fell on me, with no warning. He was hard for me to ride as he felt "Tippy." Each ride I would wonder if this would be the ride where he would fall again. The entire ride, I would think, " Don't fall , don't fall, don't fall, please don't fall." He felt not like a huge broad wide warmblood. 

So during this one lesson Mike, said via the head set, " The horses who can do FEI, they do feel tippy. They are athletic, and they can bend, and are supple. When I watch his feet Sallie, each one steps perfect on the ground. You do not need to worry about him falling. I want you to notice his stride. i want you to feel how he feels under you. He does not take up all the space between your leg. He is an athlete. I want you to feel it, feel this stride, this  stride......and this stride. The last 5 strides do not matter, they are gone. The next 10 strides do not matter for they are not here. You ride THIS stride!......this stride and this stride. If a bird flew in and pecked him on the end of the nose, it does not matter, you keep him going in this stride." The arena is 100x200 ft. Mike called out THIS stride for an entire lap. Then proceeded to say it several more times throughout the hour lesson. This lesson did so much for me. When I would drive and see a flash, I would actually shake my head and say, " You ride THIS STRIDE!" When I would have any of these flashes, I would just call out, "this stride you ride this stride, the next 10 do not matter."  This is one of 50 things that has been conquered while riding a horse with instruction by Mike Osinski.

Sallie Stewart

A Tribute to the Mikes...

From Sallie:

Three years post accident. I continue to ride this horse, because I have always known, when I could finally ride him "Good", that I would be recovered. Recovery has been very long. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It has been up down and all around. extremely frustrating for me.  Riding used to be so easy for me, much like breathing. After a TBI, what was once so easy, becomes very hard. Particularly in the 2nd year of recovery. Things got extremely hard, felt like much of the ground we had gained, I had lost. Fatigue is intense, focus and concentration is very difficult. But riding with instruction helps me quite a bit. I am grateful to my husband, and trainer, who continue to help me, and have not given up on me, through the past few years. This is what I have learned, a TBI, it is for life!

When A Rider Sustains A Head Injury – by Kelly Sanchez | Campaign News

Read about Sallie's story in this article from Riders4Helmets.com(originally appeared in the September Issue of Dressage Today).

When A Rider Sustains A Head Injury – by Kelly Sanchez | Campaign News

Their Journey

In 2008 Sallie Stewart suffered a serious Traumatic Brain Injury(TBI) while having her young Stallion Escogido XXV- The Chosen, fall on her. Due to this serious injury, Sallie had to re-learn how to do everything, even the simplest things we all take for granted. Walking, talking, eating, dressing herself and driving a car are just a few. Her husband and her young son taught her how to walk, talk and read again.

Mike Osinski, FEI rider and United States Equestrian Federation “S” Judge (the highest ranking judge's card one can hold in the USA), took Sally and Escogido on as students in Mid Summer 2008. Mike Osinski coached her through many significant physical and cognitive challenges. After three long years of hard work and dedication Sallie and Escogido are now ready to begin their Show career in Dressage, with their coach Mike Osinski, leading them every step of the way...

This would not be possible without the help of your contribution. No amount is too little. Let's come together and support these two who never quit. Not even when the cards were stacked against them.

Talent is God given. 

Be humble.

Fame is man-given. 

Be grateful. 

Conceit is self-given. 

Be careful.

~John Wooden