Last year in 2010 I received something called a "neuropsychology test" It was very frustrating for me. It is a test which would take a non head injured person approx 1.5 hrs to complete. For me, it took three weeks. The results for me were devastating. I went from a 3 digit IQ to an "impaired" double digit IQ. I also had deficits in focus and immediate memory recall. I asked the doctor. to tell me what I needed to work on and I would do it. He explained to me, what had not come back in the first 16-18 mos after that injury was not going to come back. I sought a second opinion. Basically what was explained to me, if I had it mastered before, I still know it, ie. Real Estate Market. But when it comes to learning something new, it takes me 3 times as long to learn as a "normal" person. I was really devastated.
The second doctor had exactly the same opinion. Learning before that injury was a very big part of my life. I loved it and I learned with ease, was very disciplined and could push myself hard. I could master things with ease. Now, when learning something "new" I get frustrated quite easily. For example, before the accident, if you rattled off your phone number, I could immediately dial the number. This is not the case anymore. I also had a partial photographic memory before the accident........not the case anymore.
This has been a real struggle for me. I am quite aggressive about it actually. If I am questioned as to if I am sure......I will blast someone. I am very clear and very honest. If I say I know it, it is because I do. If I say I do not know it, it is because I do not, and it would take me a VERY long time to learn the information. This is an issue for me, especially when I get those who want to "test" me, or "play the how broke are you game." It does not end well I can raise my hand and admit, I have absolutely no patience for those who are out to play games, and sadly because I look totally normal, some want to play these games.( Neither of the Mikes do this, nor would they think of doing it, they are kind. And they also treat me like a human being.)
I had shared the results of this test with my instructor, little bits of it over time. It was quite devastating to me. Hard to talk about. Humbling. Made me feel less than. I felt like less than a human being. So it took time to share this with Mike, as I was so embarrassed and ashamed. And, I was afraid in away that he would perhaps drop me as a student.
Esco, is extremely smart. I have always said that. Before Mike took him on " Full Time", Esco was the horse that if you were "on it", he would still try to challenge you and outsmart you. Esco and Mike had some conversations. It was as if Esco would say, " No, I am the big boy, here take this." Mike would then correct him. Esco was a handful. The smart ones are. Getting the news I had received about my IQ after several month, I no longer felt smarter than the horse.
To top it off I had just gone through a jaw issue, where I could not eat solid foods for 67 days. And, when I finally could chew solid foods again.......OMG, I had forgotten how to swallow solid foods. I only wish I was kidding, but quite frankly you can not make this stuff up. It was explained to me that swallowing was cognitive, so off to a speech pathologist to re-learn how to swallow .......yet again. ( I had issues with this right after the accident, though I barely remember it.) So, in my head. I was now stupid, the sole reason we had to file bankruptcy....accidents are expensive FYI., a total and complete failure, and now I could not ride the horse, who had done so much to rehab me, as I just knew he was smarter than me.
In a lesson, as I had JUST mounted Esco, Mike came on the headset and said, "as much as they say you have lost, I am going to prove to you that you are smarter than this horse Sallie. He is just a horse. A smart one, but he is just a horse." The lesson went well. Walk, trot, canter and leg yields. And you know what? The confidence, to swallow? I regained the confidence to swallow my food, as it was proven to me, I was in fact smarter than that horse. I regained self worth as a human being. The heart of what was conquered on the back of that horse, in that arena, with that coach. This is how a life was saved.
Sallie Stewart
I had shared the results of this test with my instructor, little bits of it over time. It was quite devastating to me. Hard to talk about. Humbling. Made me feel less than. I felt like less than a human being. So it took time to share this with Mike, as I was so embarrassed and ashamed. And, I was afraid in away that he would perhaps drop me as a student.
Esco, is extremely smart. I have always said that. Before Mike took him on " Full Time", Esco was the horse that if you were "on it", he would still try to challenge you and outsmart you. Esco and Mike had some conversations. It was as if Esco would say, " No, I am the big boy, here take this." Mike would then correct him. Esco was a handful. The smart ones are. Getting the news I had received about my IQ after several month, I no longer felt smarter than the horse.
To top it off I had just gone through a jaw issue, where I could not eat solid foods for 67 days. And, when I finally could chew solid foods again.......OMG, I had forgotten how to swallow solid foods. I only wish I was kidding, but quite frankly you can not make this stuff up. It was explained to me that swallowing was cognitive, so off to a speech pathologist to re-learn how to swallow .......yet again. ( I had issues with this right after the accident, though I barely remember it.) So, in my head. I was now stupid, the sole reason we had to file bankruptcy....accidents are expensive FYI., a total and complete failure, and now I could not ride the horse, who had done so much to rehab me, as I just knew he was smarter than me.
In a lesson, as I had JUST mounted Esco, Mike came on the headset and said, "as much as they say you have lost, I am going to prove to you that you are smarter than this horse Sallie. He is just a horse. A smart one, but he is just a horse." The lesson went well. Walk, trot, canter and leg yields. And you know what? The confidence, to swallow? I regained the confidence to swallow my food, as it was proven to me, I was in fact smarter than that horse. I regained self worth as a human being. The heart of what was conquered on the back of that horse, in that arena, with that coach. This is how a life was saved.
Sallie Stewart
Sallie, you are on a journey to discover things you have never before imagined. May beauty and serenity surround you & may you continue your dance with Esco (and life) in perfect love & perfect light <3.
ReplyDeleteYou've come a long way, Baby!
ReplyDeleteSallie, when I got the call from Mike that you had been in an accident, had been hospitalized and were going home to finish recovering, I decided it was time to make the long drive for a visit and show you my support. We live so far from each other but I wanted to make sure you were ok and that you knew how much I love you. Mike sounded nervous on the phone. I balled him out for not calling sooner...
So Aunt Lynne (my mom) and I made the trip. I was shocked. You could not find the words to express things you knew you wanted to do. You recognized me but couldn't say my name. You couldn't remember what "that thing that mixes up the clothes" was(while gesturing the action of the washing machine's agitator). On the other hand, you could cuss like a sailor and you looked ok. But I knew there was something seriously wrong. The look of shock still lingered on Mike's face. I felt bad that I had to leave. I wanted to do something but didn't know what I could possibly do.
When we left, I looked at my mom and said, "She's like a 5 year old! This is awful. Poor Mike. She has no idea what is going on and he just looks lost. I hope to God she will improve with time." Mom was equally concerned.
I talked to you on the phone about a week later and you had made a huge improvement! You knew who I was, kind of. Not yourself but better. The following week, better! The next visit to your house, you repeated things a lot but you knew my name. You were obsessed with getting a job. I kept saying, "Hon, you gotta give yourself more time. You are not ready to go back to work." You: "No! I HAVE to get a job!" Me: "It's ok. You will get there. But you have to stop stressing out!"
I remember one conversation you were asking me if I thought you would ever be like you were before the accident. I told you that you needed to get lots of sleep so your brain could heal and re-create the neuropathways that had been damaged. I didn't know if that was true but was drawing on what I had learned in college about the brain. But it seemed to give you hope and some comfort. I think it allowed you to relax a little. You were so stressed out! Nearly panicked. And I would say, "You are ok. You are getting better and better every day."
And here you are! I'm so proud of you for not giving up and really going after more and better. You sought out help. You tried to gain understanding by doing research (once you figured out how to use the computer again). You pursued healing. You may not be totally the same but who is? You ARE the Sallie I grew up with. You are the same person that married Mike. You have some challenges you didn't have before but you've never allowed something like a mountain to get in your way!
I love you much, Sis.