Finished Strong!

Traumatic Brain Injury ~ WHAT IS IT?

I have come to learn the majority of the USA has not clue what a TBI is. When I have said my horse fell on me, leaving me with a TBI. The first thing people say is, “ Glad you recovered.”

People who have had a TBI, usually either laugh, ( such as myself) or some take offense at such a statement.

You see if I told you, I had a stroke the response would be “ Oh, are you doing ok?”

So what is a TBI ? As a TBI survivor, I hope I am able to shed some light on the subject.

A TBI, is when the brain is shook hard enough caused by trauma for a bleed or bleeds to occur. Along with the bleeding comes swelling. Blood is lethal to the brain, and kills cells. Swelling which occurs all over the brain, also kills cells. It is by a miracle that people live. For many years they did not when any of the above mentioned occurred.

Many of us, can rehab the physical disabilities. However, there is this ‘cognitive” side. That is a struggle. For me personally, I have said for the past year, the best I ever was “cognitively’ was 2009.

In 2010 , for some reason, I regressed ‘cognitively”. By early 2011, I was extreamly frustrated. As all that I had gained, slipped away like some cruel joke.

Riding, my horse, is what ‘cognitively’ rehabilitated me. Riding with instruction, made new connections on some level for me. Going back into steady lessons in 2011, has now rehabbed me again. I as of this moment am where I was in 2009. This time, however, a bit smarter. I know fatigue is a very big issue, and when I am tired, I go to bed. Often such a nap for me is 5 hours. I get up, eat, go back to bed and sleep another 9 -10 hours. When I have slept 9-10hrs, and go to the barn, I am cognitively “ok”. Again, a 5hr nap must occur and 9-10 hrs of sleep. Any sleep less than this, ask my trainer, I simply can not function.

It in my opinion, it worth research on behalf of the Medical Field to study the brain with an EEG, while one rides a horse, with instruction or during lesson’s. Most people do not receive rehab of any sort after a TBI. According to the BIAA ( Brain Injury Association of America) 60% of violent offender’s sitting in prison, have a history of a TBI, and have had no rehab therapy at all.

My hope deep in my soul, is that awareness of TBI’s is brought forward. I am so lucky, I live in a rural area. This helped much with the PTSD. I often think of those who live in a busy city and think with all the stimulus , how do they cope after a TBI? The stats show, not well, not well at all.

Just something for people to start thinking about.

~ Sallie Stewart

Gratitude

Mike my trainer and Mike my husband and Esco have all three taught me something. Gratitude, on a deep sense. Be grateful and thankful for all things in life. And I truly mean for all things. For the first time, I look up at the evening sky and really look at it. And I am grateful for this sky and the stars. Grateful every night I have a bed to sleep in, a couch to sit on...etc

Gratitude, such a simple word. Many, I think have forgotten what it means. I am a simple person. I enjoy experiences in life. Not shopping or things. Riding has significantly improved. Esco and I have really been working hard. And we will continue to work hard, first show this March!

We have been working on our Dressage Tests. This takes me a bit longer to learn new material, but I have done so. Osinski is a Judge, it is so nice to ride a test for him and be able to hear what we did well, and what we need to work on. Hard work, and achievement, makes my soul feel alive and free.
We indeed are grateful, so grateful! May sound real simple, but riding it gives me purpose, freedom and goals to achieve!

~ Sallie Stewart

Sallie and Esco Prints available on Zazzle!

If you enjoyed the "Sallie and Esco" painting by Gretchen Schroeder, it is now available as a print for purchase in the new Sallie and Esco Zazzle store! There are also a few other products for your consideration. All proceeds from the Zazzle store sales will go directly to Sallie and Esco in support of their recovery journey.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." Winston Churchill

Ride with your soul!

I wanted to sell Esco this past spring. I was tired of wondering every single time I got on his back, if it would be my last ride ever. Then after a simple hack on the trail this past Spring of 2011 things started to click again. I remembered why I rode and why I loved horses. And, more importantly why I rode him. I ride for the "feel", for the joy, the freedom we feel. You have all felt that . This hack...seems so simple, but for three years, it has been something I was not able to do. I was too fearful. If I did not have my trainer, next to me.......I was scared to death. After each and every ride, to tell you the truth, my happiest moment, was when it was over. And I was still alive! To go on a hack by myself, with Esco.....was a huge moment. After the hack on the trail, I went back to the arena...I rode just like I did on the hack, with my soul. I could canter the horse any and everywhere in that huge arena. For three years.......when My trainer would say, "And Canter!".....the blood would just drain from my body. A terrible feeling for a person who was once so free. I rode on edge every single minute. Every single stride, I rode on edge. Oh I did all the mental exercises, visualizing things we do.  But honest to goodness, just ride with your soul, and your mind will relax, fear will leave and your position and body will fall into place. It has not been a matter of learning, but rather a matter of "feeling" this and living this again. I know of any other way to capture the "feel" than to just keep going until it appears. Then you can own it and yours.

Funny where you can find answers. On the back of a horse, on a trail.
Uncurl your toes.....and ride with your soul!
Move with your horse and with life! Embrace it, smile, breathe.Ride with your soul. More importantly LIVE with your soul!!

Sallie Stewart

“Though we are different yet we are the same” ~ Sallie Stewart

Sallie and Esco,  © 2011 by Gretchen Schroeder

We as people, have all faced adversity at sometime along our path in life.And, adversity, does change us.  There are some things in which one never gets over, it merely becomes apart of us, and we learn to carry on.  Really, what all look for is freedom. Freedom to dance on the stage of life as who we are. To be accepted, to be loved unconditionally, for who we are. We all want freedom, to be ourselves.  I can not think of one person who wants to be shoved in a box and told who they are. Nope, we as people desire freedom to be who we are in our heart of hearts.

Escogido XXV showed me this. He showed me how to be free. He loved me unconditionally. He loved me through gut wrenching fear. He loved me through memory loss. He loved me through , “ Who am I?”. He loved me through tremendous self doubt and self worth.  And it was because of my love for him, that I sought answers, sought help, sought education and sought new tools. And in the end, I learned self acceptance. I learned, it was ok to love myself, even with my new short comings.  We as people in general are quite similar.  Though we are different yet we are the same.

Sallie Stewart

“Grab that determination in the pit of your gut, and ride, with that determination!” ~ Mike Osinski

Recovery from this brain injury, has been up, down and all around. It really has been two steps forward 3 steps back. And where it really showed, was in my riding. Though I took lessons weekly, my riding was inconsistent. Not because I did not take my lessons seriously, I took them very serious. But, because my brain was still rewiring and reconnecting. My horse Escogido, he fell on me in the walk. Why was I so afraid of the canter? For the same reason I was afraid to drive in traffic. My ability to process information was very slow. Cars driving at me in their own lane, was overwhelming. Driving over 40 miles an hour was scary. It was hard for my brain to take in all the information. Things that a “normal person” would never even think about as being information. Much of what our brain actually does, we take for granted.

The same goes for riding. The faster gates were hard for quite some time. There was so much information my brain had to process...other horses to avoid, staying in a straight line or on a circle with activity taking place around me. It was difficult to take in. But this did get better, it just took time.

When I was able to process information faster, then I had no confidence in myself. I would think, “ But can I steer him in the canter?” or “ But what if I accidentally run into another horse.” I had a lot of self doubt. Not so much fear, but more of , “ Can I do this? Am I good enough to canter this horse?”

It was very frustrating for me. What had once been a source of freedom to my very soul, I now questioned if I was competent enough to do so. The canter is by far the most freeing gate while riding.

Cantering a horse opens your soul , you feel light and free. It is a tremendous feeling of joy, relaxation, and fun. Cantering on a horse does much for the body, mind and soul.

In a lesson with Osinski, he came on the head set, and said, “ Nice in the trot, and , now canter………and Sallie, canter. Aaaand Caaaanter! Ok, Sallie, you have gone 6 circles around me in the trot now Canter.”

As, I quickly reached to wipe a tear off my cheek, so Mike would not see it. He came on the head set and said in a coaching voice, “ I know.... I know, you are afraid Sallie, but you have determination, I have seen it. Now, grab that determination in the pit of your gut, and ride with that determination!”

BAM, we were in the CAAANNTER! I had to be reminded, I did have drive, I was determined to get better. Those words, they worked. They worked in riding, they worked in my life.

As of today 11/16/2011, I love the canter, and I love to work in the canter. I nearly lost this. I nearly allowed lack of self confidence, self esteem and fear, rob me of one of my most favorite things to do on the back of a horse! “ Grab that determination in the pit of your gut”………..million dollar words.

Sallie Stewart