Not Afraid to Fly...

A Come Back in Life

"Esco proved to me today.......HE PROVED to me. It is ALL possible! Another inredible powerful ride! He is focused! He is Ready!.......I am focused and I am ready! It is the best thing to run at life that is ahead of you! It absolutely is a comeback.......A COME BACK IN LIFE.........IN LIFE! ♥ He has come far, I have come far!. It feels good to grow through adversity. I want to grow past this, not shrink. And, so we are growing. This is about playing out the hand you are dealt......the best you can! You play out the hand life deals you, but you play it! ♥"

~Sallie

A Life Saved...

Everyone wants to know what the turning point was. It was simple, a coach in an arena said, "Sallie......YOU COUNT AND YOU MATTER! then he point to Esco and said, " And He counts, He absolutely matters!" ......the day my life was saved again. But this time in a different way.

Ride with your soul!

I wanted to sell Esco this past spring. I was tired of wondering every single time I got on his back, if it would be my last ride ever. Then after a simple hack on the trail this past Spring of 2011 things started to click again. I remembered why I rode and why I loved horses. And, more importantly why I rode him. I ride for the "feel", for the joy, the freedom we feel. You have all felt that . This hack...seems so simple, but for three years, it has been something I was not able to do. I was too fearful. If I did not have my trainer, next to me.......I was scared to death. After each and every ride, to tell you the truth, my happiest moment, was when it was over. And I was still alive! To go on a hack by myself, with Esco.....was a huge moment. After the hack on the trail, I went back to the arena...I rode just like I did on the hack, with my soul. I could canter the horse any and everywhere in that huge arena. For three years.......when My trainer would say, "And Canter!".....the blood would just drain from my body. A terrible feeling for a person who was once so free. I rode on edge every single minute. Every single stride, I rode on edge. Oh I did all the mental exercises, visualizing things we do.  But honest to goodness, just ride with your soul, and your mind will relax, fear will leave and your position and body will fall into place. It has not been a matter of learning, but rather a matter of "feeling" this and living this again. I know of any other way to capture the "feel" than to just keep going until it appears. Then you can own it and yours.

Funny where you can find answers. On the back of a horse, on a trail.
Uncurl your toes.....and ride with your soul!
Move with your horse and with life! Embrace it, smile, breathe.Ride with your soul. More importantly LIVE with your soul!!

Sallie Stewart

“Though we are different yet we are the same” ~ Sallie Stewart

Sallie and Esco,  © 2011 by Gretchen Schroeder

We as people, have all faced adversity at sometime along our path in life.And, adversity, does change us.  There are some things in which one never gets over, it merely becomes apart of us, and we learn to carry on.  Really, what all look for is freedom. Freedom to dance on the stage of life as who we are. To be accepted, to be loved unconditionally, for who we are. We all want freedom, to be ourselves.  I can not think of one person who wants to be shoved in a box and told who they are. Nope, we as people desire freedom to be who we are in our heart of hearts.

Escogido XXV showed me this. He showed me how to be free. He loved me unconditionally. He loved me through gut wrenching fear. He loved me through memory loss. He loved me through , “ Who am I?”. He loved me through tremendous self doubt and self worth.  And it was because of my love for him, that I sought answers, sought help, sought education and sought new tools. And in the end, I learned self acceptance. I learned, it was ok to love myself, even with my new short comings.  We as people in general are quite similar.  Though we are different yet we are the same.

Sallie Stewart

You've Come A Long Way Baby!

Art work from Gee Marie

This is a comment from Litonya(from the November 9th post, "Their Journey"), a close relative of Sallie's. It gives us a different point of view from someone who saw Sallie in the beginning, saw her struggle towards recovery.

"You've come a long way, Baby! Sallie, when I got the call from Mike that you had been in an accident, had been hospitalized and were going home to finish recovering, I decided it was time to make the long drive for a visit and show you my support. We live so far from each other but I wanted to make sure you were ok and that you knew how much I love you. Mike sounded nervous on the phone. I balled him out for not calling sooner... So Aunt Lynne (my mom) and I made the trip. I was shocked. You could not find the words to express things you knew you wanted to do. You recognized me but couldn't say my name. You couldn't remember what "that thing that mixes up the clothes" was(while gesturing the action of the washing machine's agitator). On the other hand, you could cuss like a sailor and you looked ok. But I knew there was something seriously wrong. The look of shock still lingered on Mike's face. I felt bad that I had to leave. I wanted to do something but didn't know what I could possibly do. When we left, I looked at my mom and said, "She's like a 5 year old! This is awful. Poor Mike. She has no idea what is going on and he just looks lost. I hope to God she will improve with time." Mom was equally concerned. I talked to you on the phone about a week later and you had made a huge improvement! You knew who I was, kind of. Not yourself but better. The following week, better! The next visit to your house, you repeated things a lot but you knew my name. You were obsessed with getting a job. I kept saying, "Hon, you gotta give yourself more time. You are not ready to go back to work." You: "No! I HAVE to get a job!" Me: "It's ok. You will get there. But you have to stop stressing out!" I remember one conversation you were asking me if I thought you would ever be like you were before the accident. I told you that you needed to get lots of sleep so your brain could heal and re-create the neuropathways that had been damaged. I didn't know if that was true but was drawing on what I had learned in college about the brain. But it seemed to give you hope and some comfort. I think it allowed you to relax a little. You were so stressed out! Nearly panicked. And I would say, "You are ok. You are getting better and better every day." And here you are! I'm so proud of you for not giving up and really going after more and better. You sought out help. You tried to gain understanding by doing research (once you figured out how to use the computer again). You pursued healing. You may not be totally the same but who is? You ARE the Sallie I grew up with. You are the same person that married Mike. You have some challenges you didn't have before but you've never allowed something like a mountain to get in your way! I love you much, Sis."

And he said, "Ride THIS Stride"

In early 2009, things that I already struggled with became nearly impossible. I live next to a military base. And for lord only knows what reason, I started having an overwhelming fear of being shot in the head. The fear and scenes became so horrific it drove me to a PhD. One that specialized in head trauma. I began doing things such as sleeping on the floor in case a bullet came flying into the house. This was not a reasonable fear. I began not wanting to drive anywhere as I was surrounded by Ft Lewis. It was explained to me what I was experiencing was something called PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder). I learned some skills and driving got better, for a brief time.Then it would all come back again. More intense. 

In 2010, these flashes of being shot in the head, transferred to riding. I would get on Esco and see horrific scenes. They at first where short and then grew to long horrifying scenes. By 2011, it was nearly paralyzing. These scenes would flash, I could not control them. At times, I was not sure if I was not going to die right then and there from a heart attack. When Mike Osinski took us on full time this year, I believe he probably had an idea this was happening. Though I had never told anyone other than a shrink. One particular lesson after I had mentioned that Esco was so hard to me for ride, I mean this is the horse that fell on me, with no warning. He was hard for me to ride as he felt "Tippy." Each ride I would wonder if this would be the ride where he would fall again. The entire ride, I would think, " Don't fall , don't fall, don't fall, please don't fall." He felt not like a huge broad wide warmblood. 

So during this one lesson Mike, said via the head set, " The horses who can do FEI, they do feel tippy. They are athletic, and they can bend, and are supple. When I watch his feet Sallie, each one steps perfect on the ground. You do not need to worry about him falling. I want you to notice his stride. i want you to feel how he feels under you. He does not take up all the space between your leg. He is an athlete. I want you to feel it, feel this stride, this  stride......and this stride. The last 5 strides do not matter, they are gone. The next 10 strides do not matter for they are not here. You ride THIS stride!......this stride and this stride. If a bird flew in and pecked him on the end of the nose, it does not matter, you keep him going in this stride." The arena is 100x200 ft. Mike called out THIS stride for an entire lap. Then proceeded to say it several more times throughout the hour lesson. This lesson did so much for me. When I would drive and see a flash, I would actually shake my head and say, " You ride THIS STRIDE!" When I would have any of these flashes, I would just call out, "this stride you ride this stride, the next 10 do not matter."  This is one of 50 things that has been conquered while riding a horse with instruction by Mike Osinski.

Sallie Stewart